How Alain de Botton can change your life

My partner is often frustrated when I mention a book that I’ve read

This will happen when she’s explaining her thoughts and I’ll chip in with an author or thinker that wrote something similar.

She’ll protest that she arrived at the conclusion with her own reasoning and of course, me being university-educated, can’t see the issue with providing a reference as a kind of handle.

So I’m reluctant to share this excellent video with her.

 

I’ve followed Alain de Botton for nearly half my life and still recall buying his book about Proust when it was recommended by Barry Jones.

In particular I've been impressed by Alain’s ideas about the role of art and wish more people would realise the important place it can occupy in developing their happiness.

This video about relationships contains a number of lessons that my partner has arrived at through her own thought processes, but since I want to keep her to myself I’ll share Alain’s insights.

In particular he notes how attachment styles vary and this was something my partner observed long ago, that we have similar experiences in our childhoods.

It also describes how being honest with emotions is fundamental to unpacking our personalities and developing new strategies to recognise shortcomings as well as potential.

Too often we pursue relationships with a view they’re meant to be easy, when the really important thing is that they can accommodate and support our growth. 

While the whole video works to build an argument, you can skip to the last few minutes and he does a recap of the key takeaway points but if you ask my partner she'll probably say that it's obvious. 

Keep calm and carry on driving

Over decades I've seen my partner go from giving a finger, to keeping it under the dash, to now arriving at the boss move of dishing out a thumbs up

Raising an opposable digit is satisfying for the ambiguity.

It looks like "yeah" but actually would sound like a sarcastic note that ends in "good one, Richard Cranium."

It's also an excellent way to stay calm in the face of Ranger danger.

 

In praise of girlfriends

When I saw this comment earlier in the week it seemed like outrageous clickbait fodder

Today I think I gained an understanding of how it's an insidious message. 

Young men might think their freedom comes from being single, but their opportunities to mature are severely curtailed by not having a relationship. 

When you have a significant other you gain someone outside of your family who will observe and comment on where you have opportunities to grow. 

It's not always easy to have a person you love who will call out your shortcomings, particularly if you respect them enough to listen and care. 

Too often people feel empowered to end a relationship when it's not serving them and, while I can't comment on all of those experiences nor the hurts that might be stirred, sometimes these are experiences where emotional growth can occur. 

Obviously not all our relationships are good ones, otherwise so many wouldn't seek ways to escape or move past trauma. 

However, it is through reflection that we can learn things not able to be seen from our own limited view of the world or learn about the patterns of behaviours that lie below the initial flush of anger, embarrassment and shame. 

I learn a lot about myself from those around me, particularly those who have known me and trust me as I can trust them. 

Some of the best lessons have come from girlfriends, which is why this hateful human is disdainful and wants men to look to other men for a limited reflection of human experience.

Socks to be you

An uncle once advised me to keep a sock in my desk drawer to discourage managers from allocating stressful tasks 

My friend Ted has a good bit of advice to add to this: 

It's even better if you take off both socks and hand them over one at a time. For an encore you can get another sock worn the previous week out of your pocket and hand them that as well. Nobody knows what to do with that third sock.

Nettles

Some years ago I became interested in nettle

I'd read about the amount of iron it offered and noticed it was growing on the property where I was living, under kurrajong trees in the leaf litter.

When I was young, my mother would bake filo pies with layers of spinach.

For many years I'd eat the filo and try to avoid the spinach but, when I left home, I found myself cooking it and enjoying the sentimental connection to this dish.

That's where I began with nettle, adding it to spinach and realising that I couldn't taste much difference.

Cooking removes the sting, but a quick blanch will too.

Then I tried nettle tea and found the zing of the iron a nice complement for the green flavour.

However, when I brewed nettle beer, I began to wonder why this weed hasn't been embraced more widely.

So I began letting it go to seed where it grew in my garden.

This year the conditions have been ideal, late winter rain has brought up patches of nettle and mallow.

It's an ideal crop, self-seeding and filling a gap between winter and spring vegetables.

While there are a couple of spinach plants that have survived, the nettle has offered enough leafy goodness for a few pies and now I'm wondering if I should brew a batch of beer.

Growing together

It's my daughter's 18th birthday today and I'm prompted to reflect

One of the wonderful aspects of being a parent is seeing those glimpses of personalities in little babies develop through childhood and blossom into adulthood.  

There are so many lessons that one learns about themself in the process, particularly that opportunity to revisit memories of one's own childhood from a new perspective.

I found a new gratitude for my parents and was able to let go of some painful experiences too.  

A key moment for me in fathering a daughter was recognising my own sexism, which came as a surprise after identifying as a feminist and studying that topic through one of my university degrees. 

It came after years of viewing my daughter with some suspicion, based on what I now see as a resourcefulness to get what she wanted without asking. 

A family member had written letters to each of my three children and, after they were discarded, I looked over them and recognised a distinct shift in tone within the correspondence directed to the girl. 

That prompted me to reflect on how my own interactions had subtle, yet observable, differences that meant I treated my daughter differently to her brothers. 

Over time I worked to consider my attitudes and address the perception that I might be unconsciously sexist in my behaviour. 

This isn't to say that I don't worry about how the world treats females, particularly how their needs are different, but it was a step toward recognising I wanted her to retain those capabilities and strengths that had been previously a source of conflict. 

In psychology they identify positive and negative conditioning as ways of shaping behaviours, and I guess I'm trying to articulate that the opportunity to be a father to a daughter helped me to recognise a broader range of strategies in parenting. 

There's more I can write about identifying my biases, but for now I want to conclude with gratitude for seeing another child reach adulthood and how my capacity for love has grown. 

Fatherly advice

Saw this online yesterday and shared it on Facebook

I have been surprised at the number of friends who liked the post and some went on to share it.

It reminded me when my oldest started school and said he couldn't talk with other students.

My fatherly advice was to compliment them on something as an opening gambit and to this day he will often start a conversation by telling me that I have a great shirt or something.

As much as I'd like to share that I heard it first from my father, that lesson was one taught to me by Lunarbaboon and I think it's worth sharing.
 

Each blending is a new beginning

Being a reformed wine wanker has made me a coffee snob

These days I can’t buy a takeaway because it hurts too much to pay for an unsatisfying brew.

The result is that I experiment with blending beans and find that the lesson of complementing hard and soft characteristics holds as true for coffee as it does for wine or microphones.

Foot rubs

One evening last year, for no particular reason, I thought to ask my partner if she'd like her feet rubbed

After attending to both her feet, she reciprocated by rubbing my feet in turn.

I didn't think much about it until afterwards, when she said we should do this more often.

At that time I remember thinking that I felt my feet get rubbed when I have a bath and that's all good.

So I was surprised within a few days when the topic of rubbing feet came around again and this time she was saying it should happen every night.

It seemed remarkable that after living together for decades, we've found something new other than the occasional TV series.

That's a lesson from 2024 to share.

 

Dear artists

Creative expression is part of my weeks, though not as daily as it used to be

I like writing to work through thoughts and making music to forget others. 

And playing drums or dancing for 10 minutes is a mood-changer.

You can do anything

 

Fore(gone)sight

One of my favourite moments in Star Wars, a film which admittedly has many moments, is when Obi-Wan Kenobi instructs Luke "your eyes can deceive you, don't trust them"

Humans have at least five senses but sight dominates our lives.

It's been a frustration for me as an interdisciplinary artist that Australian galleries focus mostly on visual media.

It's also been an interest for me as a way to explore opportunities, such as soundtracks for exhibitions or blindfolded tours.

So I'm interested to see that pommel horse champ Stephen Nedoroscik takes off his glasses when he performs. “It’s all about feeling the equipment. I don’t even really see when I’m doing my gymnastics. It’s all in the hands — I can feel everything.”

This also relates to my earlier observation about the shared aspects of art and sport, particularly how they're united in culture.

Many athletes talk about not-thinking when they’re at play. 

“I have to focus on not thinking,” says gymnast Simone Biles. 

“If you think about a trick, sometimes it makes it harder,” says skateboarder Minna Stess. “When I’m skating, the best thing is to not think at all.”

It reminds me when I'm at a life-drawing class, as soon as I start to think too much about the picture as it takes shape, it will begin to fall apart.

Likewise, I get into the flow state of creativity by being in the present and not worrying about the result.

Seeing is believing, says an adage that's clearly out of date with our world of digital manipulation.

I think seeing is easy to rationalise and also to assure agreement with those sharing a view.

However, I am a believer that appealing to other senses can be more persuasive.

My partner, for example, gets amazing results from smelling good and her exhibitions have included tactile exhibits that defy sight by asking people to put their hands into prepared boxes.

And my sister's cooking is another remarkable skill, which has led me to incorporate cooking into my gallery events through my love of sharing new toasted sandwich recipes.

Sport, like art, are components of our shared culture and I want to encourage everyone to explore their senses.

Switching gears

Recently saw this observation about writing and thought it's something that extends to many creative pursuits

"Recklessness and rigor" is one way to identify those flow and critique processes, which can be seen to embody first and latter drafts in writing. 

It's something that Michael Stavrou addresses in his book Mixing With Your Mind and he frames these as left and right brain activities.

While this metaphor doesn't do justice to the way our brains operate, it is a really insightful discussion for the proposal that creative people benefit from grouping likeminded tasks.

For example, if you're writing and in a state of flow, then the process can be disrupted by needing to open a dictionary and find the appropriate word.

Someone like Julia Cameron in her book The Artists Way, I think, would likely say to keep writing -- even if it's just repeating the word until the sense of flow returns.

That's the kind of recklessness one can indulge while writing a first draft, before returning at a later time with a more critical perspective to finesse those words with the rigor required for publication.

And I think there's a similar distraction from producing work when a person begins second-guessing what they should be doing, although that is likely more akin to Sartre's notion of "being for others".

Unsub

Last weekend my daughter introduced our family to the TV show 'Criminal Minds' and it has prompted some reflection for me

For a while now I've been forcing my family to share a single screen on Sunday nights.

Initially I'd pick movies for us to watch but in recent years we've been taking turns to pick and it's led to some interesting choices, like the documentary 'Feels Good Man'.

My daughter is often the least-likely to have a film planned to watch, so when she suggested 'Criminal Minds' we opted to watch a TV show.

It's a slick production and the self-contained episodes move at a fast pace to establish and solve a police procedure drama.

The term "unsub" is a contraction they use for unknown subject.

Unsurprisingly it's been a popular and long-running show, but I've only just encountered it since I watch very little commercial television.

In the following days we've watched more episodes and it's led to conversations about the fascination with serial killers, as well as discussions about psychology.

I should mention that in recent weeks I've had a few unsuccessful job interviews, which isn't surprising since I'm not currently working and have a history of shortish periods in employment.

(Shortish being around two years, which doesn't feel short but I'm living in a region where people seem to stay longer in those jobs.)

Anyway, I was given reason to pause and reflect while watching the episode "L.D.S.K." when they gave this description in the profile talk to local law enforcement:

"He has no friends and his career history has been marked by frequent job changes.

"He’s drawn to high-stakes jobs by a need to prove his superiority to a world he perceives has undervalued him."

It made me wonder about some jobs that I've applied for that my partner has questioned whether I'd be happy if I got them.

It made me wonder if my recent spate of job applications was spurred by feeling undervalued.

I'm going to try and be more humble and recognise when I seek validation.

C.S. Lewis on love

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

Fran Lebowitz on sulking

Sulking is a big effort. So is not writing. I only realized that when I did start writing. When I started getting real work done, I realized how much easier it is to write than not to write.

An expression of love

“Encouragement is the greatest form that love can take” — Barbara Blackman

Years ago I had a girlfriend who worked at the National Gallery of Australia and I used to enjoy getting a personal tour of the exhibitions she'd helped put together.

While looking at the Federation exhibition she remarked how one painting had been loaned by the Australian Government from the Governor General's residence, where it had accumulated years of smoke that needed to be cleaned off. This reminded me of a sociology lecturer's remark that the rise and decline in tobacco smoking had been one of the biggest social changes in the 20th Century.

One of the last exhibitions this girlfriend invited me to see was Joy Hester and Friends in 2001 and Barbara Blackman was at the opening.

I didn't meet Ms Blackman but she made an impression on me as she was holding onto my girlfriend's arm. I'd arrived late to the opening and the two of them were standing near whoever was opening the exhibition.

My girlfriend smiled at me when she spotted me in the crowd and I was surprised to see that Ms Blackman's head turned toward me in response.

Even though I could see nothing had been said between the two of them, the blind woman had also registered my presence.

It's been an example for me about how many other senses we draw on everyday. Humans use sight as their primary sense and I often wonder whether it's a detriment that we don't better use others.

Encouragement is the theme articulated by Barbara Blackman in the quote above and if she hadn't made an impression on me at that exhibition opening I might've missed her opinion in The Guardian today.

I am very grateful for the encouragement I've received from those who love me. At different times it's made a difference to my life.

Quick doodles

My daughter likes to draw, so I introduced her to cadavre exquis, which is a game where each person draws a section without seeing the parts drawn by others.

I was surprised at how the game developed. At first I drew something resembling her head but, by the time it was passed back to me, I was using my imagination.

In later games, like the one shown here undertaken with both Neve and her brother Eden, I found myself really wanting to push myself and come up with even more outrageous doodles -- such as these Siamese twins

The games have been rewarding, both for our entertainment and a sense of pleasure.

The experience came to mind when I read about a study that found "an inherent potential for evoking positive emotions through art-making—and doodling especially."

The results of the study by Girija Kaimal et al, titled Functional near-infrared spectroscopy assessment of reward perception based on visual self-expression: Coloring, doodling, and free drawing, suggest that it only takes a quick doodle to get into a creative mindset:

In fact, in surveys administered to the participants after the activities were complete, respondents indicated that they felt more like they had “good ideas” and could “solve problems” than before the activities. Participants even said they felt the three-minute time spans for art-making weren’t long enough.

Cheer yourself up

Simple trick to reduce power bills

In recent months there's been much discussion in Australian media on whether the national energy grid can meet demand.

A variety of commentators have weighed in, even Elon Musk contributed to the mix of options of available.

One thing that seemed to be missing from the flurry of words was discussion of how to reduce power consumption.

I am an energy miser and in the habit of turning everything off when it doesn't need to be on, which is one reason why you can't call me when I'm not home. (Another is I rarely answer the phone.)

Two things have contributed to reducing my electricity bills.

The first was buying a new fridge. I didn't realise the efficiency gains made in recent years, so when I was forced to replace my old fridge I saw a benefit in following months.

The second tip is more relevant, as people don't want to spend money to save money: turn down the thermostat on your hot water heater.

I can't remember where I read it but it was while living in a rental property, so it's a good tip for everyone.

Just head over to your hot water heater, look for a cover that's likely to be held down with one screw near the base of the unit.

You'll likely find a variable dial and it may even have temperatures written on it.

Turn the hot water heater down to around 55°C to 60°C.

It'll still feel hot but maybe not scalding hot. If you need hotter water while washing dishes, boil the kettle or microwave as much as you need.

If you're a parent there's an added bonus in that, should a child turn on the hot water tap in the bath, they are less likely to suffer severe burns.