It's become a joke to say "not all men"
Part of me is too invested to avoid wanting to use the line and protest my innocence, but I'm learning.
So I was reflecting this morning and realised it's one of the fundamental errors in an argument, when one mistakes the part for the whole.
One bad orange shouldn't reflect on the rest of the bag, for example.
However, the orange juice would be disgusting if we were to extend this metaphor.
As it is painfully obvious when looking at crime statistics to see it disproportionately is men committing the crimes that women are reporting.
Likewise it is clear that men are more likely to commit crime more generally.
I think this is where the discussion needs to move beyond memes and social media outrage.
There are broader measures that would address the concerns being raised, such as taking steps to recognise how breaking an apprehended violence order (AVO) is often an early sign of the need for intervention.
Earlier this century, when terrorism offences began to become a concern for law enforcement, there were observations that those terrorists often had become known to authorities for domestic violence and infringements like AVOs.
It might be necessary to improve the way these early signs are acknowledged and to take steps to ensure they are recorded.
Just as men like me are learning to sit with the discomfort, I expect that males in roles that encounter these situations might need to consider if they are an ally to women or happier to accept the word of the man involved.
This is the kind of sexism that's somewhat easy to be unaware of and I know that I've had it pointed out to me by women at times when I've taken the side of a man and excused their behaviour.
It seems likely the same bias is being demonstrated by men in frontline roles, as well as those in positions of authority.
One anecdote I heard recently was how an AVO was breached 74 times and the Police pressed charges for five of those, before suggesting the victim stop as it was angering the perpetrator!
In this way it helps to think of the need for broader reform, where issues that are clearly based in gender need to be given more than one perspective.
It's a view that extrapolates from where I've been shown to have a blindspot, rather than feeling that I'm on the wrong team in being lumped in with the worst of men's behaviour.
I'm a man who wants to see women to be safe and also to see men get the support they need.
This begins with acknowledging they might not be ready to recognise and seek assistance, so those early signs must be acted on.
Too often I'm seeing discussion around coronial inquests conclude that he was a good guy who must've been struggling in silence.
Let's help everyone involved because men need to recognise the signs of coercive behaviours too.
The way forward is to stop the silence.
